I'm not quite sure where this is coming from, but here it is...
I'm one of those people who do my best thinking in the shower, where it is quiet, free from interruptions and requests. I have come up with some of my best ideas in the shower. The other morning, I had what I would call "a moment" while rinsing my hair. I happened to open my eyes and saw Mr. Wonderful putting the finishing touches on his hair and this thought crossed my mind...Is this REALLY it? Is this what I have been given for the rest of my life?
I've spent the past week marinating on that thought and I'm still at a crossroad, not sure what to think or how to react to the unsettled feelings associated with the reality of spending the rest of my life the way I have for the past 12 years.
Sure Mr. Wonderful and I have created three beautiful children together, shared great moments together, and have really put ourselves in a good place financially, but what is the meaning of it if you don't feel love? This is a question that has haunted me for years. Looking at the big picture, we have a nice house, we have a nice cushion in the bank, we have nice vehicles, we have the potential to be really great together, but something deep inside keeps me from taking that step and opening myself up to entertain the idea of spending the rest of my life with him.
You know, I sit in church and I hear the words "God is listening to your prayers. If you aren't getting the results you want then maybe you aren't asking for the right things or maybe God has answered your prayers and you aren't open to seeing the answer for what it is." I'm not sure if this feeling is God's way of telling me to "Hang in there, this is my plan for you! It only gets better from here!" or "Wake up woman! Life is too short to be miserable!" I hope I figure it out soon, because it is exhausting fighting this internal battle.
2 comments:
I had one of those moments, mid-breakdown with kids going nuts, dinner not started, the house a wreck while watching another 6-hour batch of work drop "in" in front of my eyes while I'd been doing nothing but bustin' my ass on work every non-sleeping or fixing meals moment for over a week....is this IT?? Is this me?? This is NOT my life!! It can't be!! I cannot do this!! It hit me square in the head that even though I'm home every day, I was missing out on the kids as well as MY life by being a slave to a job. Enough was enough!
My house is still a slight wreck, the kids are a still nuts, and my checkbook is on the raw edge of negative way too often since I quit but every moment of every day is not a passing tick of the time bomb ready to go off!! I never thought I'd quit work. Me quit? Never! Work owing me money did have a hand in nudging the decision, lol, but I don't regret it. Not one bit.
Not that any of that rambling helps you in your situation other than, sometimes we have to try what we think we can't or shouldn't because life good or bad becomes habit then we don't know the difference.
I broke that habit. I'm still here. I'm POOR, lol, but I'm still here.
Wow...I have been there...I get it. It's so easy to get comfortable moving from day to day...and forget to put a little effort into the day...If you find the answer...will you share it with me?
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