I've been holding this one in my arsenal for a while now. Thanks to Ang over at Not Enough Hours in a Day, I'm going to have to trump her "Hamburger Anyone?" story. I'm warning you now...put down all drinks, prepare to be grossed out, and/or pee your pants laughing.
I must say that had I not met Ang second quarter, Freshman year at OU, that I might not have ever had fun! There are so many memorable times I could share like that time we stole a witch (well, we didn't actually STEAL it, we just drove the getaway car and laughed like hyenas), or peephole...toilet 120, or the chili and hot fudge cake incident or the time...Sorry, my ADD got away from me there, back to the task at hand. Hopefully, I can get through this story without my kids thinking I have COMPLETELY lost my mind!
Here goes nothing...except for a couple pair of wet panties and chocolate chunks flying....
As I recall it, remember this was many beers, I mean years ago, way before I had three kids and a dog to take care of. So, as I recall we headed out one evening to go watch Monday Night Football with friends. It was a cool, I mean cold, late Fall, Ohio night, complete with jack-o-lanterns glowing and scarecrows lining front yards. No road trip was complete without chocolate milk and Rolos, so we stopped off at Push and Shove, I mean Pick and Save, to buy our road trip necessities. Please note we should have bought some Depends and a barf bag while we were there.
Anyway, five minutes down the road, one of the best songs in the world, at least we thought so at the time, came on 95XIL or 97.9WNCI (not sure which). All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow. If you aren't familiar...check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i0hCKGAIqU . Since my name is in the song...well, I felt obliged to sing my own off the wall lyrics to which Ang responded with her usual SPEW followed by chocolate milk pouring out her nose, which caused me to tear up immediately with laughter. Yes, it was a personal goal of mine to see how many times in 4 years I could make liquid pour out of her nose...the final count was about 923. Probably felt more like 1,000,923 to her. In fact, I bet she has spewed at least once or dribbled her pants already if she's reading.
With tears rolling down my cheeks and laughing uncontrollably while chocolate milk continues to run out of her nose, I felt it in our best interest to pull the purple Grand Am into the nearest available spot...in this case it may have been someone's driveway. Between the hysterical laughter now coming from both of us, chocolate milk running out of her nose, me choking on a ROLO and having an asthma attack, Ang puking for whatever reason, and both of us losing control of our young bladders, we ended up heading back to her grandparent's house with wet panties and chocolate stains down the front of our shirts.
We walked back in the front door of what she called home and what had become my second home by then...Grandma says, "You girls back already?" Well, ummm, yeah, for just a minute. We quick showered, changed, and once again were off for Monday Night Football. We had a hard time explaining our lateness, well...not really, being late was par for the course for us....well, at least me, but we weren't going to let a little chocolate milk, puke, and urine spoil our trip! No, we survived to create many, many more wet pants memories.
Readers beware...Chocolate Milk and Rolos Part II coming soon...until then I dare you to go out and buy some chocolate milk and Rolos...Try not to laugh!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Curse of the Purple Crayon
A couple months ago I found a surprise when I opened up my dryer door after slaving over Mt. Washmore all day. Covering one of Mr. Wonderful's dress shirts was the prettiest purple metallic swirls one has ever seen. Of course my reaction is not that of an art connoisseur admiring a masterpiece, but one of sheer horror of how the heck a crayon made it past my inspection, through the washer, and into the dryer without being detected. The inside of my dryer has been streaked a pretty purple ever since and Mr. Wonderful's shirt tucked away in the closet in hopes of finding a solution that will remove the crayon before he decides to wear it again. Thank God it is summer in TX and long sleeves aren't the best choice of clothing right now!
In the midst of remodeling the game room, cleaning cabinets and drawers, and tackling Mt. Washmore, that metallic purple crayon swirl curse returned! I opened the dryer door and streaked all over the entire load of mine and Mr. Wonderful's khaki laundry was the prettiest, sparkliest, purple swirls one has ever seen. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? I know for a FACT that it was NOT in any pockets, because I actually checked them this time. I know for a FACT that it did NOT get into the dryer from the washer, because I actually shook out each piece of clothing before chucking them into the dryer this time. So that leaves me wondering where that dang purple crayon came from! I have my theories...
Along with the curiosity, I was left with an entire load of laundry and a dryer streaked with purple wax and glitter. I removed the laundry from the matching dryer and grabbed the goo gone to clean the dryer. Did you know they make that stuff in a spray gel now?...good stuff! As I'm scrubbing purple wax from my dryer drum, it occurs to me that it may not be safe for me to run the dryer after using half a bottle of goo gone on the inside. Wasn't quite sure how heat would mix with the orange fumes. I let it air out, threw the next load in and ran it on fluff/no heat for 30 min to absorb fumes and any residue that may have been left, then ran it for 20 min to make sure it wasn't going to catch fire then proceeded with normal procedure.
Dryer taken care of, but I was still facing an entire load of purple swirled laundry. HOW in the world do you get crayon out of an entire load of laundry? And why couldn't it be a load of towels or dark clothes?
Let me tell you how I got the crayon out...
Having to think fast because Mr. Wonderful was in the vicinity and hot on the trail of the orange smell coming from the laundry room. Thank God I had been on a cleaning streak, he thought I was cleaning shelves and didn't question the smell. It's a good thing he's not familiar with smells of cleaning products...I could have recognized goo gone from three houses down.
Anywhooo...I grabbed the bottle of goo gone, thinking I had seen it would remove crayon.
I read the label carefully to make sure it wasn't going to eat holes in the clothes or something crazy. Like it would have mattered at that point. Sounded good to me, so I set out spraying goo gone on the clothes until I could spray no more ( I ran out). I let those sit for a bit while I cooked dinner and pondered my options for the rest of the load. I ended up filling washer with hot water, couple extra shots of laundry detergent, and a 1/2 cup of Murphy's Oil Soap (stain treatment, read the label, lol). To my surprise, the load came out purple swirl free and threads still intact. There were only two shirts that didn't come completely crayon free which I plan to treat again today, along with the one tucked away in my closet and hope for the best.
As for my theories on HOW the crayon made it into the dryer...
1. Aliens snuck through the dryer vent and colored all over my clothes.
2. My Mom's imaginary friend, Harvey, did it.
3. Mr. Wonderful has a purple crayon fetish and tucked it away in a secret pocket in his shorts.
4. Since I didn't find the purple crayon the first time this happened, it could have broken off and made it's way into one of the little air holes in the dryer where it has been lurking for months for the right moment to make it's second appearance.
I don't know...
In the midst of remodeling the game room, cleaning cabinets and drawers, and tackling Mt. Washmore, that metallic purple crayon swirl curse returned! I opened the dryer door and streaked all over the entire load of mine and Mr. Wonderful's khaki laundry was the prettiest, sparkliest, purple swirls one has ever seen. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? I know for a FACT that it was NOT in any pockets, because I actually checked them this time. I know for a FACT that it did NOT get into the dryer from the washer, because I actually shook out each piece of clothing before chucking them into the dryer this time. So that leaves me wondering where that dang purple crayon came from! I have my theories...
Along with the curiosity, I was left with an entire load of laundry and a dryer streaked with purple wax and glitter. I removed the laundry from the matching dryer and grabbed the goo gone to clean the dryer. Did you know they make that stuff in a spray gel now?...good stuff! As I'm scrubbing purple wax from my dryer drum, it occurs to me that it may not be safe for me to run the dryer after using half a bottle of goo gone on the inside. Wasn't quite sure how heat would mix with the orange fumes. I let it air out, threw the next load in and ran it on fluff/no heat for 30 min to absorb fumes and any residue that may have been left, then ran it for 20 min to make sure it wasn't going to catch fire then proceeded with normal procedure.
Dryer taken care of, but I was still facing an entire load of purple swirled laundry. HOW in the world do you get crayon out of an entire load of laundry? And why couldn't it be a load of towels or dark clothes?
Let me tell you how I got the crayon out...
Having to think fast because Mr. Wonderful was in the vicinity and hot on the trail of the orange smell coming from the laundry room. Thank God I had been on a cleaning streak, he thought I was cleaning shelves and didn't question the smell. It's a good thing he's not familiar with smells of cleaning products...I could have recognized goo gone from three houses down.
Anywhooo...I grabbed the bottle of goo gone, thinking I had seen it would remove crayon.
I read the label carefully to make sure it wasn't going to eat holes in the clothes or something crazy. Like it would have mattered at that point. Sounded good to me, so I set out spraying goo gone on the clothes until I could spray no more ( I ran out). I let those sit for a bit while I cooked dinner and pondered my options for the rest of the load. I ended up filling washer with hot water, couple extra shots of laundry detergent, and a 1/2 cup of Murphy's Oil Soap (stain treatment, read the label, lol). To my surprise, the load came out purple swirl free and threads still intact. There were only two shirts that didn't come completely crayon free which I plan to treat again today, along with the one tucked away in my closet and hope for the best.
As for my theories on HOW the crayon made it into the dryer...
1. Aliens snuck through the dryer vent and colored all over my clothes.
2. My Mom's imaginary friend, Harvey, did it.
3. Mr. Wonderful has a purple crayon fetish and tucked it away in a secret pocket in his shorts.
4. Since I didn't find the purple crayon the first time this happened, it could have broken off and made it's way into one of the little air holes in the dryer where it has been lurking for months for the right moment to make it's second appearance.
I don't know...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Apology...
To all my Blog Friends I send out my apologies for keeping you in the dark for a week. Last week I spent a week at the beach with my family and this week has been spent rearranging furniture, painting, catching up laundry, and numerous other tasks. I promise to go get some details posted from vacation and this remodeling adventure as soon as it is finished. Until then...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Dog Days...
I hate to say it, but our dog is getting old. He has trouble getting up and down. He moves slower than he used to. He doesn't want to play ball anymore. He has a tumor. What else? Oh, he hacks a lot too. It just eats me up inside to see his health slowly decline as he gets older. The vet says he have a "few more good years" left on him. In fact, he is pretty old considering he is a large breed. He is almost 13!
In his days, he's crossed the Mississippi more than most people. He's lived in three different states, been camping numerous times, and been on every vacation we've ever went on. It saddens me to think that this might be the last vacation he gets to go on. When his time comes, it will be a sad time for all in my house. The kids have known no other pet! Fish don't count.
I've already had a scare, thinking he was dead. He wanted out the other night. I crashed on the couch waiting for him to bark to come back in. I woke up at 2:30 and went to check on him. I found him crashed in the middle of the yard. I kept calling his name, louder and louder and he didn't move...at all! I tried to stay calm and tried again to call him, but no dice. The worst thoughts start passing through my brain, I am wide awake, half shaking, half crying trying to get up the nerve to go out and face the facts and have a moment alone with him before I went to wake up Mr. Wonderful and give him the news. I walked back inside, went to the bathroom, slipped on some shoes and walked back out onto the deck. I thought I would give it one last try so I again called his name, louder and louder, the neighbor dog started barking (good thing I went to the bathroom), but my dog wasn't moving. I was a sobbing mess by the time I walked across the yard and bent down to touch him.
As I put my hand on him, he lifted his head and looked at me all sleepy eyed and flopped it back down. My thoughts went from he's dead to he can't get up. Boy was I wrong! As soon as I started talking to him and rubbing him, he jumped up and went over to the fence and hiked his leg...DAMN DOG! How dare he scare me like THAT!
In his days, he's crossed the Mississippi more than most people. He's lived in three different states, been camping numerous times, and been on every vacation we've ever went on. It saddens me to think that this might be the last vacation he gets to go on. When his time comes, it will be a sad time for all in my house. The kids have known no other pet! Fish don't count.
I've already had a scare, thinking he was dead. He wanted out the other night. I crashed on the couch waiting for him to bark to come back in. I woke up at 2:30 and went to check on him. I found him crashed in the middle of the yard. I kept calling his name, louder and louder and he didn't move...at all! I tried to stay calm and tried again to call him, but no dice. The worst thoughts start passing through my brain, I am wide awake, half shaking, half crying trying to get up the nerve to go out and face the facts and have a moment alone with him before I went to wake up Mr. Wonderful and give him the news. I walked back inside, went to the bathroom, slipped on some shoes and walked back out onto the deck. I thought I would give it one last try so I again called his name, louder and louder, the neighbor dog started barking (good thing I went to the bathroom), but my dog wasn't moving. I was a sobbing mess by the time I walked across the yard and bent down to touch him.
As I put my hand on him, he lifted his head and looked at me all sleepy eyed and flopped it back down. My thoughts went from he's dead to he can't get up. Boy was I wrong! As soon as I started talking to him and rubbing him, he jumped up and went over to the fence and hiked his leg...DAMN DOG! How dare he scare me like THAT!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Gross out story...
I went into my son's room to see whatever it was he wanted to show me. I laid down on his bed and he crawled in beside me then laid on top of me. We were forehead to forehead and he was giggling. He suddenly stopped, turned his head to the side and stared up my nose.
I don't know? He's a boy!
Then he says, "EEEEWWWWWW GROSS MAMA! You have a BOOGIE up your nose!" Can't pass up the opportunity to really gross him out so I did what any mom would do...I stuck my index fingers up my nostrils and said, "Where? Up here?"
It didn't take him long to jump back and scream "MAMA! That's GROSS!" as he giggles hysterically. That's what he gets for staring up my nose!
I don't know? He's a boy!
Then he says, "EEEEWWWWWW GROSS MAMA! You have a BOOGIE up your nose!" Can't pass up the opportunity to really gross him out so I did what any mom would do...I stuck my index fingers up my nostrils and said, "Where? Up here?"
It didn't take him long to jump back and scream "MAMA! That's GROSS!" as he giggles hysterically. That's what he gets for staring up my nose!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Random comment...
Not sure why this popped into my head, but it's short and a bit funny.
I went to a Jr. High basketball tournament to support my students who were playing. My Principal and Priest were in attendance along with a few other staff members and parents. During one of the time-outs they started playing "Queen of My Double Wide Trailer" by Sammy Kershaw. That's when my Principal turned around and said did that song just say "Queen...Trailer"? and I proudly said YES IT DID and do you want to know something scary? I KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS SONG!! and proceeded to sing the rest of the song..."When the chicken fried steaks arrived, she said I like livin' like this..." while she sat in amazement and watched. Then asked me "How in the WORLD do you know the lyrics to THAT?" To which I responded, I grew up in Backwoods, Ohio and we know the words to ALL those kinds of songs!
Sometimes I'm a little more redneck than I'd like to be!
I went to a Jr. High basketball tournament to support my students who were playing. My Principal and Priest were in attendance along with a few other staff members and parents. During one of the time-outs they started playing "Queen of My Double Wide Trailer" by Sammy Kershaw. That's when my Principal turned around and said did that song just say "Queen...Trailer"? and I proudly said YES IT DID and do you want to know something scary? I KNOW THE WORDS TO THIS SONG!! and proceeded to sing the rest of the song..."When the chicken fried steaks arrived, she said I like livin' like this..." while she sat in amazement and watched. Then asked me "How in the WORLD do you know the lyrics to THAT?" To which I responded, I grew up in Backwoods, Ohio and we know the words to ALL those kinds of songs!
Sometimes I'm a little more redneck than I'd like to be!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sweet sentiments....
Since I'm on a roll with childhood memories, here's another one I would like to share. Summertime in Ohio meant that we were up and running with friends at the crack of dawn. We were fortunate enough to have "woods" behind our house where the neighborhood kids and I spent many a day playing and discovering the outdoors. Might be a big part of where my love for nature began. Only rule, we had to check in on occasion and be home by dinner. A far different world than what I'm raising my kids in...I don't trust others enough to let my kids ride their bikes around the block, let alone be gone all day.
Anyway...The edges of the wooded area behind the house was full of blackberry bushes and honeysuckle. I recall many a day my brother and I would head out with bowls in hands to bring in the days harvest only to be told that it wasn't enough for a pie. Darn the luck, slap them on some icecream then and call it a day. Once in a while, Mom would make a pie out of them. Just not as often as we would have liked. Oh yeah, forgot to mention eating the honeysuckle while picking berries(against Mom's request to not eat the honeysuckle, we didn't know what had been on it)...oh the joys of childhood!
Anyway...The edges of the wooded area behind the house was full of blackberry bushes and honeysuckle. I recall many a day my brother and I would head out with bowls in hands to bring in the days harvest only to be told that it wasn't enough for a pie. Darn the luck, slap them on some icecream then and call it a day. Once in a while, Mom would make a pie out of them. Just not as often as we would have liked. Oh yeah, forgot to mention eating the honeysuckle while picking berries(against Mom's request to not eat the honeysuckle, we didn't know what had been on it)...oh the joys of childhood!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Here's hoping...
Here's hoping that I have successfully scheduled my blogs to post automatically. And here's hoping I have found a fresh seafood market down here and am feasting on some fresh shrimp scampi and rice!
You know... we are close to Bayou La Batre (wonder if I'll run into Forest, Forest Gump in these parts?(teehee)
You know... we are close to Bayou La Batre (wonder if I'll run into Forest, Forest Gump in these parts?(teehee)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Reality TV
It's the hottest thing going right now, but when is it enough? What happened to sitcoms and evening soaps? I'd be a hypocrite to say I didn't participate in watching them myself. My favorites being Biggest Loser, Don't Forget the Lyrics, What Not to Wear, Clean House, and the hysterical Wipeout and they brought back Gladiators...ok, so maybe I have a problem! Are our own lives so pathetic that we have to vicariously live through others? Some food for thought!
What are your thoughts?
What are your thoughts?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Fond memories...
Growing up we were always around family, Mom had 7 sisters which meant lots of cousins for me to play with. One of my favorite things was going to Grandma and Grandpa's after school. They were a few blocks away and we walked there every night after school and wait for Mom to pick us up when she got off work.
Grandma's signature snack was Lay's Potato chips and Dan Dee corn curls mixed together in a bowl and a stiff glass of Tang to wash it down. After snack, I would sit on Grandpa's lap and get a back rub which usually put me to sleep.
On occasion, Grandma would spend the day baking. My favorite was warm cherry pie topped with ice cold milk. It was Grandpa's favorite too. One of my fondest memories of my grandparents together was their joint effort in baking/cooking. In his later years, Grandpa had emphezema and was confined to where his oxygen tank would reach, unless he was on the portable tank. Grandma didn't let that stop her from putting him to work, she made the poor man peel and slice apples for pie, peel and cut potatoes for dinner, you name it, the man was slicing and dicing! The end result, the absolute BEST homemade pies, EVER! To this day, I use the same recipe for pie crust as she did and it just doesn't taste the same. Must have been that extra touch of TLC Grandma and Grandpa added that made it so much better than mine.
Grandma's signature snack was Lay's Potato chips and Dan Dee corn curls mixed together in a bowl and a stiff glass of Tang to wash it down. After snack, I would sit on Grandpa's lap and get a back rub which usually put me to sleep.
On occasion, Grandma would spend the day baking. My favorite was warm cherry pie topped with ice cold milk. It was Grandpa's favorite too. One of my fondest memories of my grandparents together was their joint effort in baking/cooking. In his later years, Grandpa had emphezema and was confined to where his oxygen tank would reach, unless he was on the portable tank. Grandma didn't let that stop her from putting him to work, she made the poor man peel and slice apples for pie, peel and cut potatoes for dinner, you name it, the man was slicing and dicing! The end result, the absolute BEST homemade pies, EVER! To this day, I use the same recipe for pie crust as she did and it just doesn't taste the same. Must have been that extra touch of TLC Grandma and Grandpa added that made it so much better than mine.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Saturday morning post...
Hopefully by now, assuming all has gone well and we didn't sleep in, we should be about halfway to our destination of Dauphin Island, AL. Mr. Wonderful rented us a beach house for a week and I'm soooo looking forward to doing nothing for a week. Wait, I've been doing that since June! Let me rephrase that...doing nothing but enjoying the sights and smells of the beach and hearing the laughter of kids as they splash around in the surf and build sand castles. Can you smell the Coppertone?
As a little girl, I loved family vacations to the beach. Being from SE Ohio, our summer destination was Myrtle Beach, SC. The factory dad worked at (still does) had a two week shut-down the end of July/first of August (in other words, FREE vacation days) so we always headed south. I still have shells lingering around from when I collected them as a child. A reminder of the times we were all together as a family, which didn't happen that often.
Knowing my love for the beach, Mr. Wonderful did everything in his power to move us to the beach I so loved as a kid, but my hormones were raging and I wasn't quite ready to leave the comfort of my mother's apron strings (I was 24, ha!). We eventually ended up in this blazing hot ass state of TX and been here for 9 years (that sound is me kicking myself in the ass!)
For Mother's Day last year, Mr. Wonderful rented a beach house off of Galveston. The first time I had been to the ocean in nearly 10 years. The Gulf Coast is nothing like the Atlantic, but it was a BEACH and I enjoyed every minute I was there. The best part of the whole weekend was that I got to sit back and watch my own kids as they experienced the ocean for the first time. We even caught a crab! I came home refreshed and detoxified from the stress of working full-time and raising 3 kids. A feeling that only comes from the peacefulness of the beach.
I have to send out kudos to Mr. Wonderful here...he puts so much thought and effort into planning vacations to ensure everyone gets to experience new things and go somewhere we haven't been, yet still enjoy the things we love. I love that about him! This vacation will knock off three more states neither of us have visited or driven through. It also brings him into the vacinity of two of his idols, Brett Favre (Hattiesburg, MS) and Jimmy Buffett (Pascagoula).
I'm slathering on the sunblock, donning the shades, and heading out to the salty piece of land.
As a little girl, I loved family vacations to the beach. Being from SE Ohio, our summer destination was Myrtle Beach, SC. The factory dad worked at (still does) had a two week shut-down the end of July/first of August (in other words, FREE vacation days) so we always headed south. I still have shells lingering around from when I collected them as a child. A reminder of the times we were all together as a family, which didn't happen that often.
Knowing my love for the beach, Mr. Wonderful did everything in his power to move us to the beach I so loved as a kid, but my hormones were raging and I wasn't quite ready to leave the comfort of my mother's apron strings (I was 24, ha!). We eventually ended up in this blazing hot ass state of TX and been here for 9 years (that sound is me kicking myself in the ass!)
For Mother's Day last year, Mr. Wonderful rented a beach house off of Galveston. The first time I had been to the ocean in nearly 10 years. The Gulf Coast is nothing like the Atlantic, but it was a BEACH and I enjoyed every minute I was there. The best part of the whole weekend was that I got to sit back and watch my own kids as they experienced the ocean for the first time. We even caught a crab! I came home refreshed and detoxified from the stress of working full-time and raising 3 kids. A feeling that only comes from the peacefulness of the beach.
I have to send out kudos to Mr. Wonderful here...he puts so much thought and effort into planning vacations to ensure everyone gets to experience new things and go somewhere we haven't been, yet still enjoy the things we love. I love that about him! This vacation will knock off three more states neither of us have visited or driven through. It also brings him into the vacinity of two of his idols, Brett Favre (Hattiesburg, MS) and Jimmy Buffett (Pascagoula).
I'm slathering on the sunblock, donning the shades, and heading out to the salty piece of land.
Friday, July 11, 2008
OOOOOOHHHHHH!
Sometimes my kids just make me mad! I'm shuffling around the house, trying to make sure I have everything laid out and or packed so we can leave for vacation in the morning. We are going to AL for 8 days and I'm so excited and thought the kids would be too, but boy was I wrong! Trying to get them to bring me anything or help is like asking them to circumnavigate the globe in the 1400's, just ain't happenin'!
You would think that going to the beach for a week would be motivation to help, but these guys are so put out by my requests. It's unbelievable! Apparently, I am interrupting the more important things in life, video games and TV. UGH! When the oldest responded with rolling eyes, head bobbing, and huge sigh of "We are TRYING to watch a movie here! DUH!" My head spun in circles and smoke rolled out my ears! I was so freakin' furious!! I had to walk away and calm myself before helping her see the err of her ways.
After a walk to the shed to gather shovels and pails, lots of cursing under my breath on the way to and fro, and an ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper later, I calmly called her into the living room for a "chat". She walks in with attitude, shuffling her feet like it's killing her to be in the same room with me, and flops in the chair and said "WHAT!?!". (Me thumping my head against the wall....breathe in, breathe out, 1, 2, 3,...Lord, please give me the strength not to SNATCH HER BALD!) OK, I understand that you are TRYING to watch a movie, but Mommy is TRYING to finish packing for our trip and I'm very sorry if it is an inconvenience to be pulled away from your movie from time to time. By the way how many times have you seen that movie? So it is safe to say that if you were to miss a minute or two while helping me that you could go back to watching it and not be lost, right? OK! Do you want to go on this trip? Yes! Wouldn't it be nice to have all of your clothes, beach stuff, toys, games, snacks, etc with us so that we can be comfortable during our 10 hr drive and have everything we need while we are gone? (meekly) yes. Well then, it is ESSENTIAL that when I ask for help that you and your brother and sister help without fussing about it. If I'm asking for something it is probably because I have just thought about it and don't want you to be without it. Can you help Mommy out and co-operate with me here and put away the attitude for awhile? ok Just know that for the rest of the day or until everything is packed into the van and ready for takeoff that I may at any given moment interrupt your movie or game or whatever and ask for your help. Capeesh?
Lord have mercy, if this is any indication of what the teen years may bring, I'm seriously F&^%ed!
You would think that going to the beach for a week would be motivation to help, but these guys are so put out by my requests. It's unbelievable! Apparently, I am interrupting the more important things in life, video games and TV. UGH! When the oldest responded with rolling eyes, head bobbing, and huge sigh of "We are TRYING to watch a movie here! DUH!" My head spun in circles and smoke rolled out my ears! I was so freakin' furious!! I had to walk away and calm myself before helping her see the err of her ways.
After a walk to the shed to gather shovels and pails, lots of cursing under my breath on the way to and fro, and an ice cold Diet Dr. Pepper later, I calmly called her into the living room for a "chat". She walks in with attitude, shuffling her feet like it's killing her to be in the same room with me, and flops in the chair and said "WHAT!?!". (Me thumping my head against the wall....breathe in, breathe out, 1, 2, 3,...Lord, please give me the strength not to SNATCH HER BALD!) OK, I understand that you are TRYING to watch a movie, but Mommy is TRYING to finish packing for our trip and I'm very sorry if it is an inconvenience to be pulled away from your movie from time to time. By the way how many times have you seen that movie? So it is safe to say that if you were to miss a minute or two while helping me that you could go back to watching it and not be lost, right? OK! Do you want to go on this trip? Yes! Wouldn't it be nice to have all of your clothes, beach stuff, toys, games, snacks, etc with us so that we can be comfortable during our 10 hr drive and have everything we need while we are gone? (meekly) yes. Well then, it is ESSENTIAL that when I ask for help that you and your brother and sister help without fussing about it. If I'm asking for something it is probably because I have just thought about it and don't want you to be without it. Can you help Mommy out and co-operate with me here and put away the attitude for awhile? ok Just know that for the rest of the day or until everything is packed into the van and ready for takeoff that I may at any given moment interrupt your movie or game or whatever and ask for your help. Capeesh?
Lord have mercy, if this is any indication of what the teen years may bring, I'm seriously F&^%ed!
Addiction...
I admit it, I am addicted! Addicted to getting up before the kids, sipping my hot java, and reading about the lives of others in complete silence and realizing I'm just like everyone else. Contrary to popular belief, I'm NORMAL!!
I have the same thoughts and feelings, the same "problems" with Mr. Wonderful, and the same challenges with my kids as most of the bloggers I read. There is quite a bit of comfort in that.
I have been moved to tears and I have laughed out loud. And in some crazy way, blogging has actually improved my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I think it is because I have the opportunity to vent my frustrations and successes in a more productive way and reflect back upon them at a later time.
See, blogging isn't so bad afterall...is it?
I have the same thoughts and feelings, the same "problems" with Mr. Wonderful, and the same challenges with my kids as most of the bloggers I read. There is quite a bit of comfort in that.
I have been moved to tears and I have laughed out loud. And in some crazy way, blogging has actually improved my relationship with Mr. Wonderful. I think it is because I have the opportunity to vent my frustrations and successes in a more productive way and reflect back upon them at a later time.
See, blogging isn't so bad afterall...is it?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Hot Hot Hot!
Forecast high for today 99 with heat index of 101-104! A/C unit running constantly to keep the house cooled to a "cool" 80 degrees! Electric meter spinning like the Tilt-a-Whirl! ... And I'm considering firing up the oven to bake pork chops for dinner...what am I thinking?
I'm thinking those pork chops are going to taste pretty good, but I might have to eat them in my birthday suit!
To ease the pain of that visual, I have included a little summer fun...
I'm thinking those pork chops are going to taste pretty good, but I might have to eat them in my birthday suit!
To ease the pain of that visual, I have included a little summer fun...
May 30th:
Just moved to Bakersfield. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It is 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over! Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Bakerfield!
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Just moved to Bakersfield. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the upholstery. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th:
It is 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid city.
Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over! Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Bakerfield!
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
Pigs in a Blanket...Swine Not? 2
After marinating overnight on this read, I have concluded that this book WAS written in true Jimmy Buffett style. All you have to do is listen to any of his songs to figure that out! DUH!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Pigs in a Blanket...Swine Not?
Following a dinner of pigs in a blanket, tater tots, mac and cheese, and applesauce, I cracked open the cover of my latest Jimmy Buffett novel, Swine Not? I was quite excited to start reading this book with all the email promotions from Borders, and especially after reading Where is Joe Merchant and A Salty Piece of Land, both of which were full of adventure, romance, and complex story lines that kept me drawn into the lives of the characters. (yes, I know that was a terribly structured, run-on sentence, but anywhooo...)
I started reading last night only to find that the book is written on about a 5th-6th grade level, quite out of context for this Buffett fan. I guess he did have his disclaimer at the beginning of the book along with the inspiration for the story, but he's Jimmy Buffett and I was expecting a Jimmy Buffett style book, damnit!
I read the first quarter of the book last night. Continued reading while I had the oil changed in Brutus this morning, but only because I wanted to see if the story got any better. I finished it while watching Days this afternoon. Hey, I already had all that time invested in reading the first 7/8ths of the book, no need to leave it as an unfinished task. I already have too many of those and besides, I wanted to see if the Pigilantes came through for Rumpy!
Anyway, I can't chalk it off as a total waste. It was a really cute story and one that is suitable to share with kids, even if you have to read it to the younger ones. I know my little Parrotheads would love it if I read it to them. In true Buffett style, he did keep me coming back to see what happened next. Yeah, I would recommend it, but know that it is way out of context!
Other books I have read since June...
14 Things Great Teachers do Differently
Gifts From the Sea (I highly recommend this to all ladies, especially mothers...also a great gift!)
A Pirate Looks at 50 (JB's 50th b-day...good read, insightful into his life...seriously jealous..."Feliz Annus", rofl)
Where is Joe Merchant (loved it)
A Salty Piece of Land (stirred my nomadic soul, I wanna move to the beach now)
No one Writes to the Colonel (not sure how this one won the Nobel Prize)
The Old Man and the Sea (a true testament to perseverance)
Swine Not?
I started reading last night only to find that the book is written on about a 5th-6th grade level, quite out of context for this Buffett fan. I guess he did have his disclaimer at the beginning of the book along with the inspiration for the story, but he's Jimmy Buffett and I was expecting a Jimmy Buffett style book, damnit!
I read the first quarter of the book last night. Continued reading while I had the oil changed in Brutus this morning, but only because I wanted to see if the story got any better. I finished it while watching Days this afternoon. Hey, I already had all that time invested in reading the first 7/8ths of the book, no need to leave it as an unfinished task. I already have too many of those and besides, I wanted to see if the Pigilantes came through for Rumpy!
Anyway, I can't chalk it off as a total waste. It was a really cute story and one that is suitable to share with kids, even if you have to read it to the younger ones. I know my little Parrotheads would love it if I read it to them. In true Buffett style, he did keep me coming back to see what happened next. Yeah, I would recommend it, but know that it is way out of context!
Other books I have read since June...
14 Things Great Teachers do Differently
Gifts From the Sea (I highly recommend this to all ladies, especially mothers...also a great gift!)
A Pirate Looks at 50 (JB's 50th b-day...good read, insightful into his life...seriously jealous..."Feliz Annus", rofl)
Where is Joe Merchant (loved it)
A Salty Piece of Land (stirred my nomadic soul, I wanna move to the beach now)
No one Writes to the Colonel (not sure how this one won the Nobel Prize)
The Old Man and the Sea (a true testament to perseverance)
Swine Not?
Monday, July 7, 2008
Commitment
OK, I have seriously failed the NaBloPoMo challenge the first week out! Another testament to support my skiddish nature when it comes to commitment. At least there are no serious consequences for my lack of commitment here...
Here I go with my excuse and topic for today...
Our weekend was filled with fireworks, family, and food. We spent the 4th at SIL's where there was a feast of grilled burgers, hot dogs, sloppy joes, potato salad, numerous snacks and dips, cookies and cakes, and watermelon slices. We played horseshoes, washers, ladder ball, and catch. When daylight turned to dark, we sat back and watched a fireworks show like you wouldn't believe. BIL has been doing this for about 5 years now. It used to be just him and a neighbor, but now it has turned into a neighborhood competition. You can literally sit back and see beautiful displays of fireworks in any direction. It was awesome food and awesome fun for all.
After an early afternoon soccer game, we spent Saturday at Meme and Dzia Dzia's visiting and swimming with Dzia Dzia's daugter and grandkids. Dzia Dzia made his famous rib dinner and OMG were they good! We topped off the day watching the Nascar race and drove home to fireworks on the horizon.
Dzia Dzia's famous ribs...
Babyback ribs
2 cups Jack Daniels
8 cups water (don't forget this, will blow your oven door open if you do, I've witnessed it!)
Place ribs in slow cooker, top with Jack Daniels and water, bake at 350 for 4-5 hours. Grill with BBQ sauce to finish (we use KC Masterpiece).
I guarantee these to be the best ribs you have ever had! For the full meal, add baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and fresh made cole slaw.
Yesterday was a morning of yard work. I cleaned out flower beds and Mr. Wonderful trimmed and cut the lawn. By 11am we were sitting in the front sipping on a Parrot Bay cooler. The rest of the afternoon, we hung out with the kids and watched Star Wars. We had dinner with friends 6 houses down. It's great when you only have to make half of dinner and always more enjoyable in the company of good friends. The kids watched The Empire Strikes Back and we sipped mojitos on the patio.
A great weekend to record on the record books!
Here I go with my excuse and topic for today...
Our weekend was filled with fireworks, family, and food. We spent the 4th at SIL's where there was a feast of grilled burgers, hot dogs, sloppy joes, potato salad, numerous snacks and dips, cookies and cakes, and watermelon slices. We played horseshoes, washers, ladder ball, and catch. When daylight turned to dark, we sat back and watched a fireworks show like you wouldn't believe. BIL has been doing this for about 5 years now. It used to be just him and a neighbor, but now it has turned into a neighborhood competition. You can literally sit back and see beautiful displays of fireworks in any direction. It was awesome food and awesome fun for all.
After an early afternoon soccer game, we spent Saturday at Meme and Dzia Dzia's visiting and swimming with Dzia Dzia's daugter and grandkids. Dzia Dzia made his famous rib dinner and OMG were they good! We topped off the day watching the Nascar race and drove home to fireworks on the horizon.
Dzia Dzia's famous ribs...
Babyback ribs
2 cups Jack Daniels
8 cups water (don't forget this, will blow your oven door open if you do, I've witnessed it!)
Place ribs in slow cooker, top with Jack Daniels and water, bake at 350 for 4-5 hours. Grill with BBQ sauce to finish (we use KC Masterpiece).
I guarantee these to be the best ribs you have ever had! For the full meal, add baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and fresh made cole slaw.
Yesterday was a morning of yard work. I cleaned out flower beds and Mr. Wonderful trimmed and cut the lawn. By 11am we were sitting in the front sipping on a Parrot Bay cooler. The rest of the afternoon, we hung out with the kids and watched Star Wars. We had dinner with friends 6 houses down. It's great when you only have to make half of dinner and always more enjoyable in the company of good friends. The kids watched The Empire Strikes Back and we sipped mojitos on the patio.
A great weekend to record on the record books!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy Independence Day!
This post is in honor of my father who served this country in the Vietnam War, I know he still suffers the trauma of those days...
Common things heard at the dinner table from my father...
"Nevermind the (insert request here) and eat your dinner."
"Eat it anyway, it will put hair on your chest."
In response to "I'm thirsty."
"I'm Friday, come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae."
And last but not least..."hack hack cough hack" upon consumption of too much butter or mustard...a trait I have inherited.
Hope y'all have a safe and Happy 4th!
Common things heard at the dinner table from my father...
"Nevermind the (insert request here) and eat your dinner."
"Eat it anyway, it will put hair on your chest."
In response to "I'm thirsty."
"I'm Friday, come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae."
And last but not least..."hack hack cough hack" upon consumption of too much butter or mustard...a trait I have inherited.
Hope y'all have a safe and Happy 4th!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Friend or Foe?
About a year and a half ago, I came to terms with an increasing problem. Quite literally.
You see many moons ago I was the athletic type, competition cheerleader, lifeguard, workout fiend. I finished college, married and divorced within a year, remarried and gave birth to my daughter the next. The following year I gave birth to my second daughter and we moved to Texas. I had given up my career to stay home with the babies, I had also given up so much of what was me, I was also 1200 miles from any family or friends. I didn't have time to take care of myself or my emotions and didn't have a support system close enough to help me out. Needless to say it was a part of my life that was filled with mixed feelings of turmoil, resentment, and happiness.
Mr. Wonderful and I have struggled to keep our family and relationship intact, there have been times of success and times of great failure, but the one constant for me throughout it all was finding comfort in food. It was a quick cure for the stress and depression, but had a long lasting effect on my overall self-image and the increasing number on the scale. At the worst, I was pushing 180, I felt like crap, and I didn't have the internal drive to do anything about it.
I finally joined LA Weightloss. The $$ I had to fork out for the program was my motivation to stay focused. After the initial couple of weeks of learning the program and weighing foods, the task became easier and eventually a habit. The end result, 26lb weight loss and back into single digit clothing sizes. The energy increase was phenomenal too. It's amazing what eating a healthy, balanced diet will do for you.
I maintained the weight loss pretty well. That is until work started getting stressful last year and I got lazy, stopped preparing lunches in advance, and started frequenting fast food joints. It became a couple pounds on the scale isn't too bad, I'll just watch what I eat which really never happened to gaining back half of what I lost. My clothes are starting to get tight again and I'm getting that I'll start on Monday attitude. The worst part, I know I can do it...I'm just not.
It's a vicious thing, food. Source of life on one hand, personal hell on the other. I need to stop internalizing the things that lead to turning to food for comfort, dust off my will power, and deal with life. The one thing I have control of is myself. I'm the only one who can put the right foods into my system and get the results I desire!
You see many moons ago I was the athletic type, competition cheerleader, lifeguard, workout fiend. I finished college, married and divorced within a year, remarried and gave birth to my daughter the next. The following year I gave birth to my second daughter and we moved to Texas. I had given up my career to stay home with the babies, I had also given up so much of what was me, I was also 1200 miles from any family or friends. I didn't have time to take care of myself or my emotions and didn't have a support system close enough to help me out. Needless to say it was a part of my life that was filled with mixed feelings of turmoil, resentment, and happiness.
Mr. Wonderful and I have struggled to keep our family and relationship intact, there have been times of success and times of great failure, but the one constant for me throughout it all was finding comfort in food. It was a quick cure for the stress and depression, but had a long lasting effect on my overall self-image and the increasing number on the scale. At the worst, I was pushing 180, I felt like crap, and I didn't have the internal drive to do anything about it.
I finally joined LA Weightloss. The $$ I had to fork out for the program was my motivation to stay focused. After the initial couple of weeks of learning the program and weighing foods, the task became easier and eventually a habit. The end result, 26lb weight loss and back into single digit clothing sizes. The energy increase was phenomenal too. It's amazing what eating a healthy, balanced diet will do for you.
I maintained the weight loss pretty well. That is until work started getting stressful last year and I got lazy, stopped preparing lunches in advance, and started frequenting fast food joints. It became a couple pounds on the scale isn't too bad, I'll just watch what I eat which really never happened to gaining back half of what I lost. My clothes are starting to get tight again and I'm getting that I'll start on Monday attitude. The worst part, I know I can do it...I'm just not.
It's a vicious thing, food. Source of life on one hand, personal hell on the other. I need to stop internalizing the things that lead to turning to food for comfort, dust off my will power, and deal with life. The one thing I have control of is myself. I'm the only one who can put the right foods into my system and get the results I desire!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Topic of the month....FOOD!
Subject: The Chili Cookoff
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: ------------------
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM
Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: ------------------
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