Day Late and a Dollar Short...

It appears that I missed the boat to enter Three Kid Circus's Wii contest, but I'm going to share anyway. I have laughed more at some of the posts regarding exercise equipment purchases, than I have at anything else the past two weeks. What can I say, I'm easily entertained!

Now, aside from two gym contracts that were used for maybe a month or two each and orphaned out to collection companies and eventually back to me via credit bureau dings, I should know by this point in my life that exercise equipment is a meaningless purchase.

To get the full spectrum of exercise equipment purchases made by yours truly, we need to go back to the year 1990 something, where I picked up an aerobic mat and numerous workout leotards. You know, the ones with biker shorts covered by a onesie thong in bright, gaudy patterns. Aerobic class lasted maybe a month. I'm sure these items are still at my mom's house somewhere dry-rotted and collecting dust.

Somewhere in that 1990 something timeframe, I also acquired a set of strap on ankle weights. By some unforeseen force, I still have them sitting in my bedroom collecting dust along with the ever growing pile of unused exercise stuff.

Now, I at least had the intuition to try someone else's Nordic track before making a purchase that I would later regret...one failed attempt at "Nordic trackin' it" (as my dad called it) nearly landed my clumbsy ass on the basement floor of my friend's grandparents. Crossed that one off my list, real quick. Took up a few years of lifting weights after that...12 oz at a time! It was the Lite variety!

Then come the years of marriage and child bearing...complacency set in and I stop giving a shit about how I looked and what people thought, but the inner me was screaming get off you fat ass and DO something! Those are the times when I made the following purchases...Buns of Steel...tried it once, barely made it through the first 15 minutes of donkey kicks...SCREW THIS! swift donkey kick to the back of the entertainment center where it still sits covered in dust. Next stupid purchase...Tae Bo...first few times were great, not too sore, hubby walked in and laughed at me...SCREW THIS!...save it for when HE is NOT home. Second attempt at Tae Bo proved to be a dangerous situation for kids in the vacinity who thought mommy looked hilarious cursing and kicking the shit out of thin air...SCREW THIS...gigantic tae bo kick to the back of the entertainment center where it still sits with the advanced version and 8 min version (still in the original packaging) collecting dust with Buns of Steel. Another stupid purchase...Get Up and Dance with Paula Abdul...thought it would be cool to learn some dance moves from Paula...watched the first 15 minutes...SCREW THIS! Tossed to back of entertainment center to collect dust with Billy Blanks and Buns.

Sometime around the turn of the century, I finally graduated from VHS exercise purchases to some "functional equipment". Some "functional equipment" being a Stepper (never used), a thigh master used maybe 3 times, didn't notice a difference, I look like a dork with this red hinge between my legs, forget it), hand weights (used a couple of times, when i started thinking about using them to ring hubby's bell a few times, decided my children would be better served if they were to just sit and collect dust), an ab roller (WTF is this? a torture devise? used that for about a half a roll before getting stuck in an awkward position, cursing profusely at my predicament while hubby laughed hysterically, lending NO HELP...this is BULLSHIT, quickly added that POS to the quickly growing pile of unused exercise stuff collecting dust).

Yeah, and try selling this shit at a garage sale! Apparently everyone else in the world has either purchased it themselves or are just smart enough to pass it up when they stop at those soooo convincing infomercials.


Mother's Day two years ago...I really needed to get into shape so hubby offers up my choice of exercise torture devices to help me "get into shape". So, we visited the local sporting goods store to try them out...treadmill=boring, stationary bike=boring and besides I had one I forgot to mention above, recumbent bike=nah, oh, what's this? a gazelle? let me try this....ok, I think I can handle this. Yep, this is what I wanted! And so it was...proud owner of a Gazelle. "Little" did I know (pun intended), this would come back and bite me in the ass in a few hours. All excited, we took it home and hubby, three hours later, figured out how to assemble the thing (with only a few leftover parts). I was ready to go. So I jumped on and after a couple minutes got a good rhythm going and before I knew it, the digital box said I had gone for 1/2 mile...I felt pretty good, I thought I would finish a mile, then stop. And I did. Woke up at early-thirty with my bladder kicking like a kangaroo...with one eye open, I stepped out of bed or tried to step out of bed and landed face first into the carpet, screaming in pain. Hubby woke up...WTF are you doing? I'm trying to walk, (DUMBASS!) but my calves are telling me NO FUCKING WAY MS. I CAN GO A MILE ON THE GAZELLE FIRST TIME OUT OF THE BOX! It was at least a week before I could walk normally. I didn't quit though, I paced myself and with some help from Massive Party Hits worked my way up to about 3 miles a day. That came to a screeching halt when Aunt Flow and Uncle Rrhoid came to town. They left and the kids were out of school for the summer. Thought that maybe I would get back into that when the kids went back to school...NOT! When kids went back to school, I went back to school as a full-tme teacher, never got back on it. With good intentions of gazelling during my planning period, I toted that sum beach to work where it has set in my closet collecting dust since August. The bonus there is that it is NOT in my bedroom collecting dust!

My last exercise equipment purchase came at Father's Day last year. Hubby bugging me to buy these Perfect Push-up torture devices apparently designed by an ex Navy Seal...they are rotating handles that you twist as you do a push-up, comes with complete workout schedule and everything. I tried them once...BULLSHIT! I'm not killing myself, hubby used them for a couple of months, started experiencing "shoulder pain". After three months of constant "you need to go to the doctor and have that checked out", a useless trip to the ER, and a follow-up with his doctor, hubby finds out that his perfect push-up torture devices have caused a torn rotator cuff.

This spring, we upgraded kids bikes and purchased bikes for hubby and me so we could "ride bikes as a family". We have ridden bikes a total of 2.5 trips around the neighborhood! The bikes, all 5 of them, are sitting in the garage collecting dust. Maybe we will use them more this summer!

My most recent attempt at exercise has been toting this 40lb bag of ungraded papers and TE manuals back and forth between school and home and back for the past three weeks. Sometimes, I would add another set or two of papers to test my endurance and strength. I felt my training was going well, so I lightened my load a bit and graded some papers and removed one TE from my bag. With any luck and will power, I will continue improving upon my training and completely eliminate my workout plan by week's end.

In all seriousness, the BEST exercise equipment I have purchased is a good pair of walking shoes. These allow me to escape the craziness of school and kids and hubby and run away to a peaceful walk around the neighborhood to regain my sanity. I'm sure my family is grateful for this purchase! As for the others...watch out Goodwill!

FYI...I'm looking at Hip Hop Abs...so far I have seen the infomercial four times and have fought off the urge to buy this set of really cool dancercize DVDs four times, but I have a feeling that someday, they will mysteriously show up on my front porch, get watched over icecream, and be tossed to the back of the entertainment center to join the company of Paula, Billy and Buns...