With all I've been through, I am still standing! I am strong, I am motivated, and I am free to be me!
I never dreamed the events of the past month or more would ever come about, let alone as soon as they did, but I must say I am very happy that they did!
Some religions believe that there are no coincidences in life and everything happens for a reason. I am very much starting to believe that, although parts of it are still difficult to comprehend.
For example, my mom passing...I still struggle with the fact she is not a phone call away, but now see value in the lessons she taught me, specifically strength in the face of adversity. She suffered in different ways throughout her life, but she managed to raise my brother and I with little means and instill morals and values in our lives and she practically raised my brother from another mother.
She worried we didn't have what we needed, but I can't recall a time we went without anything. We were both in sports and well clothed, had meals on the table every night, and wanted for nothing.
Looking back, and having kids of my own, she's the one who went without. My dad was never around, he was too busy with alcohol and chasing other women. Yet she stayed married to him until I was 18. The lesson taken from that was sacrifice. In my own life, I have sacrificed not only monetary items, but personal happiness for that of others as did she.
P
I filed for divorce from Mr. Wonderful 4 times, yet never followed through. Why? Personal sacrifice. I couldn't risk the kids being raised the way he was and without a strong influence from me. Was it with it? Absolutely! Given the chance to do it again, I wouldn't change a thing! Over time we managed to tolerate and eventually come to share life on a deeper level. All of which have made me the person I am today.
A person who knows what she wants in life and exactly what she doesn't. A person who can recognize and appreciate the good qualities in others. A person who is ready to live life and take in every moment it has to offer. Because without those not so good experiences, the greater things in life can easily be passed by.
I have opened the next chapter of my life and so far the preview is out of this world! This chapter begins with someone I've known for 24 years and turned down twice in my youth. Coincidence? I think not...I didn't have the life experience to truly appreciate what was right in front of me. It is very curious that our paths crossed again after so many years and that circumstances in both our lives allow for us to be part of the other's life.
I don't know for sure what the future holds other than hope and that alone makes me a very happy girl. I am at peace in my soul and that is a wonderful feeling!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
It's funny how...
It's the little things in life
That mean the most.
Not where you live
What you drive
Or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on peace of mind
This I've come to know..
~Zac Brown
Chicken Fried
This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. This is how I was raised and nothing like how I currently live my life. Over the years with Mr. Wonderful, I turned into someone I wasn't and became part of a materialistic way of living.
Since his passing, I am starting to rediscover that small town girl who grew up appreciating the meaningful things in life; family, friends, unconditional love. For years, I put aside my own desires to stay near my family and closest friends to maintain peace within my own house hold.
I am now beginning to realize how much I really do miss living a simple life in a small town.
As I look around my house, it is filled with "stuff". Meaningless "stuff". This "stuff" is crammed into every bit of closet and attic space available for storage. I could easily get rid of 90% of it and not think twice about doing so. I am ready to simplify my life and get back to my roots, my family, and small town living. To do so means to uproot my children and self and start over 2000 miles away. I feel with every bit of my heart this is the right thing to do for all of us. My kids have practically grown up not knowing my side of the family. Although not materialistic and "rich", as the kids call Mr. Wonderful's family, they have so much to offer.
My oldest daughter once told me that she wanted to move in with her Meme Hall and go to OU like I did. When I asked her why she wanted to do that, she replied, "Meme's house is homey. It has everything you need and not a lot of stuff you don't. It is simple, Mom." We have done sold the house I grew up in, but I have 7 aunts who have houses very much like Mom's, filled with love, hard work, and meaningful things.
The road to happiness and the little things in life will not be an easy one, but one I am whole heartedly willing to travel. This is a new chapter in the life of the newly rediscovered me. I'm not sure where it leads, but I know it is the right road to be on. And I also know I will not travel it alone, I have two angels traveling with me and the kids.
That mean the most.
Not where you live
What you drive
Or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on peace of mind
This I've come to know..
~Zac Brown
Chicken Fried
This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. This is how I was raised and nothing like how I currently live my life. Over the years with Mr. Wonderful, I turned into someone I wasn't and became part of a materialistic way of living.
Since his passing, I am starting to rediscover that small town girl who grew up appreciating the meaningful things in life; family, friends, unconditional love. For years, I put aside my own desires to stay near my family and closest friends to maintain peace within my own house hold.
I am now beginning to realize how much I really do miss living a simple life in a small town.
As I look around my house, it is filled with "stuff". Meaningless "stuff". This "stuff" is crammed into every bit of closet and attic space available for storage. I could easily get rid of 90% of it and not think twice about doing so. I am ready to simplify my life and get back to my roots, my family, and small town living. To do so means to uproot my children and self and start over 2000 miles away. I feel with every bit of my heart this is the right thing to do for all of us. My kids have practically grown up not knowing my side of the family. Although not materialistic and "rich", as the kids call Mr. Wonderful's family, they have so much to offer.
My oldest daughter once told me that she wanted to move in with her Meme Hall and go to OU like I did. When I asked her why she wanted to do that, she replied, "Meme's house is homey. It has everything you need and not a lot of stuff you don't. It is simple, Mom." We have done sold the house I grew up in, but I have 7 aunts who have houses very much like Mom's, filled with love, hard work, and meaningful things.
The road to happiness and the little things in life will not be an easy one, but one I am whole heartedly willing to travel. This is a new chapter in the life of the newly rediscovered me. I'm not sure where it leads, but I know it is the right road to be on. And I also know I will not travel it alone, I have two angels traveling with me and the kids.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Ummmm....
OK...
It has been a very long time since I've been on here to post. So long, in fact, that I'm not sure what is going on and I can't seem to find the rest of my blogs. I'm still able to post, but have no clue where my previous ramblings have went. Oh well...Given the time of night, make that day, I will put that on my ever growing "To Do List" and get back to the real reason I logged on... If I could only remember. Just kidding!
Life has definitely thrown me a few curve balls over the past two years, give or take a couple months. First, there was Mr. Wonderful's cancer diagnosis, Then it was the unexpected passing of my mother. 13 months later, I sat with Mr. Wonderful as he took his last breath and left this world, a topic which I will revisit at a later time. And a couple days ago, my grandma left us to join grandpa and those who have passed before her.
In the wake of all this tragedy, I am amazed that something positive has overshadowed the grief and depression that sit at the surface just waiting to show it's ugly self (and believe me, it does surface on occasion). This "something" was quite unexpected, but has made a huge impact on my life in so many ways. Whatever the reason, where ever this path leads, I am truly grateful the opportunity presented itself. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I have to believe that those who have left this world are watching over me and the kids.
It has been a very long time since I've been on here to post. So long, in fact, that I'm not sure what is going on and I can't seem to find the rest of my blogs. I'm still able to post, but have no clue where my previous ramblings have went. Oh well...Given the time of night, make that day, I will put that on my ever growing "To Do List" and get back to the real reason I logged on... If I could only remember. Just kidding!
Life has definitely thrown me a few curve balls over the past two years, give or take a couple months. First, there was Mr. Wonderful's cancer diagnosis, Then it was the unexpected passing of my mother. 13 months later, I sat with Mr. Wonderful as he took his last breath and left this world, a topic which I will revisit at a later time. And a couple days ago, my grandma left us to join grandpa and those who have passed before her.
In the wake of all this tragedy, I am amazed that something positive has overshadowed the grief and depression that sit at the surface just waiting to show it's ugly self (and believe me, it does surface on occasion). This "something" was quite unexpected, but has made a huge impact on my life in so many ways. Whatever the reason, where ever this path leads, I am truly grateful the opportunity presented itself. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I have to believe that those who have left this world are watching over me and the kids.
Friday, November 18, 2011
On the Edge...
Not quite sure why life is what it is and why people have to suffer as they do, but it is not my job to question God's will. I'm not quite sure what my job is through all of this, but the rock is about to crack. I am beyond exhausted, beyond stressed, and wondering how in the world things got to this point. I will get through this, no matter how difficult, and will be better and stronger for having been through all that has transpired since May 2010.
It will be a year on Monday since my mom unexpectedly left this world, and I miss her dearly. I ask her daily to give me the strength to get through another day in the battle against terminal cancer. The suffering I have witnessed is beyond what any human being should ever suffer.
Mom, if you are listening and I know you are because I have felt your comforting touch and drawn my strength from you, please intercede and ease Rob's suffering so he can rest tonight. He has been through so much the past three days, as have I. Please give me the strength I need to get through the next few days, weeks, months that are left with Rob. I know his time here is limited and he will be joining you and his dad soon, please help me be the rock my kids need.
It will be a year on Monday since my mom unexpectedly left this world, and I miss her dearly. I ask her daily to give me the strength to get through another day in the battle against terminal cancer. The suffering I have witnessed is beyond what any human being should ever suffer.
Mom, if you are listening and I know you are because I have felt your comforting touch and drawn my strength from you, please intercede and ease Rob's suffering so he can rest tonight. He has been through so much the past three days, as have I. Please give me the strength I need to get through the next few days, weeks, months that are left with Rob. I know his time here is limited and he will be joining you and his dad soon, please help me be the rock my kids need.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Kids...gotta love em...
I have finally managed to get the five of us and a puppy packed for our next adventure, but not without blood, sweat, and tears. All from me at one point, kids...gotta love 'em!
Why the blood, sweat, and tears? It all began Monday when I made an all call for laundry. Laundry which would be packed for our 8 day adventure. Laundry, which I would later find, had pulled a Houdini and "disappeared"! My 14 year old tells me she's packed and ready to go. OK, let me see what you have packed. She brings me the smallest bag she owns and inside she has packed ONE pair of panties, 10 tops, a pair of socks that don't match, no bras, no bottoms, no swim attire, no pajamas, and no shoes. But by golly she is packed and ready to go!...NOT!! So, I go to her top drawer which is designated socks and undergarments to find it full of JUNK! Where are all of your panties? I don't know? I tore those drawers apart, hence the blood and sweat, and found a total of FIVE pairs of panties, one of which looked like swiss cheese and the other well I won't go there. Where are all your panties? I don't know, I think the dog ate them? And why did the dog eat them? I don't know, cuz I left them on the floor? ~blood boiling~ OK, fine...where are all the shorts and pants I just washed? I don't know? Well, you had better find them NOW! She dilly dallies, my blood boils some more, I open the closet door to find nothing other than dirty laundry shoved here and there that didn't make it to the wash pile the day before. A few choice words...a lot of choice words...guess who had to do laundry? Not me! 10:30 last night I finished packing her stuff! No tears from this one though, she's a tough nut to crack!
While waiting on the 14yo to wash and dry her laundry, I packed up Mr. Wonderful and myself. Little Man was easy, out of the three of them he's the tidiest. No blood, sweat, or tears from him.
This morning, off to pack up Middle Child. This morning because I walked in her room last night and walked right back out, it was a DISASTER! Oh, and she had all her stuff laid out and ready to be packed. Let's just say she had everything, well most everything, she needed. I've gotta give her credit there, but I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. So I moved it to the top of the pile of CRAPOLA on top of her dresser. After a full nights sleep and a pot of coffee, I was ready to tackle getting her stuff packed. Until I reassessed what she had laid out, not quite enough to get by for 8 days. Open the closet to grab the clothes needed to finish packing. Clothes are MIA, found out she snuck them in the donation bag a couple months ago! A few choice words...A LOT of choice words! In my rant, I tripped over stuff hanging out from under her bed. Took a closer look to find all the laundry I had just done two days ago shoved under there, along with an empty Cheetos bag, 14 half-drank water bottles, numerous candy wrappers, and a whole bunch of SHIT! ~blood boiling~ I ripped everything out from under there, along with about 10 bags shoved here and there with misc. SHIT shoved in them and literally dumped them in a pile on the floor. Mr. Wonderful, upon hearing my rant, stepped in and chewed a little too...well a lot, hence the tears. Told me to finish packing and get out of there! She had to clean it all! I gave her an hour to get it all in order, with very clear consequences of if it's on the floor in an hour it is garbage and if it's not put in the right spot, it's garbage. An hour later, a clean room emerges! Go figure...
Watch out Texas, here we come!
Why the blood, sweat, and tears? It all began Monday when I made an all call for laundry. Laundry which would be packed for our 8 day adventure. Laundry, which I would later find, had pulled a Houdini and "disappeared"! My 14 year old tells me she's packed and ready to go. OK, let me see what you have packed. She brings me the smallest bag she owns and inside she has packed ONE pair of panties, 10 tops, a pair of socks that don't match, no bras, no bottoms, no swim attire, no pajamas, and no shoes. But by golly she is packed and ready to go!...NOT!! So, I go to her top drawer which is designated socks and undergarments to find it full of JUNK! Where are all of your panties? I don't know? I tore those drawers apart, hence the blood and sweat, and found a total of FIVE pairs of panties, one of which looked like swiss cheese and the other well I won't go there. Where are all your panties? I don't know, I think the dog ate them? And why did the dog eat them? I don't know, cuz I left them on the floor? ~blood boiling~ OK, fine...where are all the shorts and pants I just washed? I don't know? Well, you had better find them NOW! She dilly dallies, my blood boils some more, I open the closet door to find nothing other than dirty laundry shoved here and there that didn't make it to the wash pile the day before. A few choice words...a lot of choice words...guess who had to do laundry? Not me! 10:30 last night I finished packing her stuff! No tears from this one though, she's a tough nut to crack!
While waiting on the 14yo to wash and dry her laundry, I packed up Mr. Wonderful and myself. Little Man was easy, out of the three of them he's the tidiest. No blood, sweat, or tears from him.
This morning, off to pack up Middle Child. This morning because I walked in her room last night and walked right back out, it was a DISASTER! Oh, and she had all her stuff laid out and ready to be packed. Let's just say she had everything, well most everything, she needed. I've gotta give her credit there, but I couldn't make heads or tails out of it. So I moved it to the top of the pile of CRAPOLA on top of her dresser. After a full nights sleep and a pot of coffee, I was ready to tackle getting her stuff packed. Until I reassessed what she had laid out, not quite enough to get by for 8 days. Open the closet to grab the clothes needed to finish packing. Clothes are MIA, found out she snuck them in the donation bag a couple months ago! A few choice words...A LOT of choice words! In my rant, I tripped over stuff hanging out from under her bed. Took a closer look to find all the laundry I had just done two days ago shoved under there, along with an empty Cheetos bag, 14 half-drank water bottles, numerous candy wrappers, and a whole bunch of SHIT! ~blood boiling~ I ripped everything out from under there, along with about 10 bags shoved here and there with misc. SHIT shoved in them and literally dumped them in a pile on the floor. Mr. Wonderful, upon hearing my rant, stepped in and chewed a little too...well a lot, hence the tears. Told me to finish packing and get out of there! She had to clean it all! I gave her an hour to get it all in order, with very clear consequences of if it's on the floor in an hour it is garbage and if it's not put in the right spot, it's garbage. An hour later, a clean room emerges! Go figure...
Watch out Texas, here we come!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
And the hits keep coming...
Another visit to the doctor today, another dose of WTF dumped on us...
This is the first time in a month I went to the Dr. with Mr. Wonderful for chemo, his mom was here and had been going with him. Most chemo days, he just checks in and gets chemo. Today we got the results from the PET scan he had last Friday. The results were in no way shape or form good. Again, there was spread. This time to the femur, humerus, T7, T14, the liver, lymph nodes in the lung, and a huge spot on the sacrum. Not to mention the already existing areas, all of which have increased in size and activity.
No chemo today since it is not doing what it needs to do. The Dr. says standard treatments aren't working, so he is referring us to TGen. It is my understanding that they operate clinical trials and can administer high risk, experimental drugs. That is, if after reviewing his medical history, they think they have something that might work/help. Not exactly what we were hoping to hear today.
I have to give credit to Mr. Wonderful. He took the news in stride, we've obviously had our fair share of ""bad news conversations, and we refuse to let this rule our lives. His outlook is we will find something that works...I am so proud of his bravery and strength and will to live.
In the meantime, our daily lives continue as usual. Nothing changes, we still go and do, we laugh, we play with the kids, and we live to enjoy each other and this precious life we have.
This is the first time in a month I went to the Dr. with Mr. Wonderful for chemo, his mom was here and had been going with him. Most chemo days, he just checks in and gets chemo. Today we got the results from the PET scan he had last Friday. The results were in no way shape or form good. Again, there was spread. This time to the femur, humerus, T7, T14, the liver, lymph nodes in the lung, and a huge spot on the sacrum. Not to mention the already existing areas, all of which have increased in size and activity.
No chemo today since it is not doing what it needs to do. The Dr. says standard treatments aren't working, so he is referring us to TGen. It is my understanding that they operate clinical trials and can administer high risk, experimental drugs. That is, if after reviewing his medical history, they think they have something that might work/help. Not exactly what we were hoping to hear today.
I have to give credit to Mr. Wonderful. He took the news in stride, we've obviously had our fair share of ""bad news conversations, and we refuse to let this rule our lives. His outlook is we will find something that works...I am so proud of his bravery and strength and will to live.
In the meantime, our daily lives continue as usual. Nothing changes, we still go and do, we laugh, we play with the kids, and we live to enjoy each other and this precious life we have.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Long time, no post...
It has been quite crazy in my world and I do have a lot to say, but there is a shortage of time in my day. Soooooo, I have reverted back to the "old fashion" way and have been putting pencil to paper when a thought pops in my head. One of these days, I will get around to transferring it to the world of technology! Maybe...
Until then, a quick synopsis of what's been going on in Minarchinville...
January 9th, sprained my ankle (really bad). Went to urgent care where I was given a set of crutches and an ace bandage for my $30, and instructions to let pain be my guide...x-ray negative for fracture. March-ish, ankle still swollen and giving me problems. Resumed normal activity and two mile nightly walks. Finally had enough, called the doctor who scheduled MRI and x-ray. MRI results show 3 torn ligaments and fluid in the ankle joint. Off to the specialist I go. Spent 4 weeks stewing over the visit, with moron doctor, in a lace up athletic brace...no change, if anything it was worse. April-ish, appointment with specialist #2. Immediately puts me in a walking boot and sends me off for MRI with contrast. THAT was fun...NOT! The results from that MRI showed the same torn ligaments and a tendon canal that resembled "swiss cheese". 6 weeks in a boot for me. In the meantime, I had to be cast for a Ritchie brace. For those of you who don't know, a Ritchie brace is a real fancy, hinged brace that has to be worn with tennis shoes (I opted for the blue snakeskin). If you know me, I HATE WHEN MY FEET ARE RESTRICTED AND HOT, not real thrilled with the idea. Picked that up on Wednesday and had fitting with Dr. on Thursday, during which time he informed me that I would spend a minimum of 3 MONTHS in that brace, more like 4-6 months! UGH! 3 MONTHS? IN ARIZONA? IN THE SUMMER? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? REALLY? Guess I have to suck it up, it beats surgery...maybe. At least I have mobility and can continue all that I do without worrying about surgery and recovery time.
Now for all that I do...
Spring was filled with exciting Basketball games/cheer, track meets, and baseball. Three kids in sports is exhausting to say the least, but that is over and things have settled down...a little.
Mr. Wonderful is still undergoing cancer treatment/chemo. This is beginning month 5 since we started again in February. He had a scan in March that showed a few new spots in the lungs and no change in other areas. Not fantastic news in that there was spread, however no NEW areas were affected. The oncologist changed the type of chemo, which he now gets every Monday along with a bio agent chemo he has been getting since the beginning and he added a bone building med every 4 weeks. Mr. Wonderful is hanging in there, discouraged by his looks, but hanging. He had another scan today, will have the results when we go in for chemo on Tuesday. Hoping for the best (no new spread), and preparing for the worst. This whole thing has been both mentally and physically taxing, especially coupled with the loss of my Mother in November.
Life has not been all that bad, just hit some giant potholes the past 12 months. Kiddos are all doing well, getting ready for a trip to Texas next week for a wedding, and contemplating a trip to Ohio in July provided all is well on the home front.
Signing off for now, as I have a 4hr exam to take in the morning. Apparently a college degree isn't good enough to be considered "highly qualified" to teach in the state of AZ. More on that at a later time...
Until then, a quick synopsis of what's been going on in Minarchinville...
January 9th, sprained my ankle (really bad). Went to urgent care where I was given a set of crutches and an ace bandage for my $30, and instructions to let pain be my guide...x-ray negative for fracture. March-ish, ankle still swollen and giving me problems. Resumed normal activity and two mile nightly walks. Finally had enough, called the doctor who scheduled MRI and x-ray. MRI results show 3 torn ligaments and fluid in the ankle joint. Off to the specialist I go. Spent 4 weeks stewing over the visit, with moron doctor, in a lace up athletic brace...no change, if anything it was worse. April-ish, appointment with specialist #2. Immediately puts me in a walking boot and sends me off for MRI with contrast. THAT was fun...NOT! The results from that MRI showed the same torn ligaments and a tendon canal that resembled "swiss cheese". 6 weeks in a boot for me. In the meantime, I had to be cast for a Ritchie brace. For those of you who don't know, a Ritchie brace is a real fancy, hinged brace that has to be worn with tennis shoes (I opted for the blue snakeskin). If you know me, I HATE WHEN MY FEET ARE RESTRICTED AND HOT, not real thrilled with the idea. Picked that up on Wednesday and had fitting with Dr. on Thursday, during which time he informed me that I would spend a minimum of 3 MONTHS in that brace, more like 4-6 months! UGH! 3 MONTHS? IN ARIZONA? IN THE SUMMER? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? REALLY? Guess I have to suck it up, it beats surgery...maybe. At least I have mobility and can continue all that I do without worrying about surgery and recovery time.
Now for all that I do...
Spring was filled with exciting Basketball games/cheer, track meets, and baseball. Three kids in sports is exhausting to say the least, but that is over and things have settled down...a little.
Mr. Wonderful is still undergoing cancer treatment/chemo. This is beginning month 5 since we started again in February. He had a scan in March that showed a few new spots in the lungs and no change in other areas. Not fantastic news in that there was spread, however no NEW areas were affected. The oncologist changed the type of chemo, which he now gets every Monday along with a bio agent chemo he has been getting since the beginning and he added a bone building med every 4 weeks. Mr. Wonderful is hanging in there, discouraged by his looks, but hanging. He had another scan today, will have the results when we go in for chemo on Tuesday. Hoping for the best (no new spread), and preparing for the worst. This whole thing has been both mentally and physically taxing, especially coupled with the loss of my Mother in November.
Life has not been all that bad, just hit some giant potholes the past 12 months. Kiddos are all doing well, getting ready for a trip to Texas next week for a wedding, and contemplating a trip to Ohio in July provided all is well on the home front.
Signing off for now, as I have a 4hr exam to take in the morning. Apparently a college degree isn't good enough to be considered "highly qualified" to teach in the state of AZ. More on that at a later time...
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