I have officially fallen off the weight loss wagon and I am totally pissed off at myself for doing so! I am the only one in control of the crap I shove down my throat and have no one but myself to blame. UGH!!!
With that being said, all I have to do is regain control of my impulse to eat when I am stressed. Easier said than done, but I can do this before I gain back the entire 12 pounds I lost and then some. My future is too bright to have my own self-destructive behavior create guilt and negativity. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow I will track everything I put in my mouth. 26 points is plenty to get me through the day. Food is not my friend. Food is not my friend. FOOD IS NOT MY FRIEND. FOOD. IS. NOT. MY. FRIEND!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Relay for Life
Today, I had the honor of chaperoning my daughter's Relay for Life team at a local relay. Let me tell you, today has been wonderful!
From the opening lap led by survivors and caregivers with other teams standing around the track cheering them on, to the luminaria ceremony. You just cannot describe the emotion as bagpipes lead survivors around the track followed by all other participants. The track was lined with luminairias in honor/memory of those fighting, lost to, or survived cancer. There were 27 lit in memory of Mr. Wonderful...moving in itself, but to see them all lit...whew!
They also projected all the messages on luminairias on a screen for all to see...it was overwhelming! As we came by his lit bags, the kids and I placed our candles by the bags we donated in his memory.
My candle had burned out a few steps into the first lap, but I place it beside it anyway. The next time around, someone had placed a lit candle in front of it. Very touching gesture from a stranger.
I am wiped out emotionally, mentally and physically, but it has been worth every bit of it to be a part of such a wonderful cause...hopefully the cause will eventually lead to a cure for this terrible disease that does not discriminate when it comes to victims.
It is now 11:42 pm...i just need to get through the next 7.25 hours so I can go home, wash off the 14 layers of sunscreen, sweat, and grime from the day and become one with my bed...
From the opening lap led by survivors and caregivers with other teams standing around the track cheering them on, to the luminaria ceremony. You just cannot describe the emotion as bagpipes lead survivors around the track followed by all other participants. The track was lined with luminairias in honor/memory of those fighting, lost to, or survived cancer. There were 27 lit in memory of Mr. Wonderful...moving in itself, but to see them all lit...whew!
They also projected all the messages on luminairias on a screen for all to see...it was overwhelming! As we came by his lit bags, the kids and I placed our candles by the bags we donated in his memory.
My candle had burned out a few steps into the first lap, but I place it beside it anyway. The next time around, someone had placed a lit candle in front of it. Very touching gesture from a stranger.
I am wiped out emotionally, mentally and physically, but it has been worth every bit of it to be a part of such a wonderful cause...hopefully the cause will eventually lead to a cure for this terrible disease that does not discriminate when it comes to victims.
It is now 11:42 pm...i just need to get through the next 7.25 hours so I can go home, wash off the 14 layers of sunscreen, sweat, and grime from the day and become one with my bed...
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunshine, smiles, and clarity...
April is upon us and sunshine is bountiful in Arizona! My grass is coming out of dormancy and starting to thicken up. Plants and trees are in full bloom and the smell of orange blossoms fill the air. I wake to fresh air blowing through my windows and the sounds of birds chirping out their wake up call. The occasional sound of a woodpecker tapping away on a neighboring rooftop brings a smile to my face.
But, that's not the only thing bringing a smile to my face these days. I am very much enjoying watching my kids come into their own, personalities that were once hidden beneath the surface are starting to blossom. Watching them be who they are is an amazing feeling! I am, in my own way, also beginning to blossom. I never thought being myself was, or ever would be good enough, but it feels incredible to be just me...nothing more, nothing less, just me!
I am free, to not only be myself, but to make decisions for myself. I have struggled with some life changing decisions over the past couple of months, not sure which direction to set sail. I have prayed for guidance and perhaps answers at times. My neighbor told me that I "would know", it would be "very clear" to me which direction to lead my journey. Every day that passes, the answers I seek have not only presented themselves. They have also provided the clarity and perspective I desperately needed. And it really is "the simple things" in life that prove to be the ones that mean the most. My life is truly blessed!
But, that's not the only thing bringing a smile to my face these days. I am very much enjoying watching my kids come into their own, personalities that were once hidden beneath the surface are starting to blossom. Watching them be who they are is an amazing feeling! I am, in my own way, also beginning to blossom. I never thought being myself was, or ever would be good enough, but it feels incredible to be just me...nothing more, nothing less, just me!
I am free, to not only be myself, but to make decisions for myself. I have struggled with some life changing decisions over the past couple of months, not sure which direction to set sail. I have prayed for guidance and perhaps answers at times. My neighbor told me that I "would know", it would be "very clear" to me which direction to lead my journey. Every day that passes, the answers I seek have not only presented themselves. They have also provided the clarity and perspective I desperately needed. And it really is "the simple things" in life that prove to be the ones that mean the most. My life is truly blessed!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Life is good today!
With all I've been through, I am still standing! I am strong, I am motivated, and I am free to be me!
I never dreamed the events of the past month or more would ever come about, let alone as soon as they did, but I must say I am very happy that they did!
Some religions believe that there are no coincidences in life and everything happens for a reason. I am very much starting to believe that, although parts of it are still difficult to comprehend.
For example, my mom passing...I still struggle with the fact she is not a phone call away, but now see value in the lessons she taught me, specifically strength in the face of adversity. She suffered in different ways throughout her life, but she managed to raise my brother and I with little means and instill morals and values in our lives and she practically raised my brother from another mother.
She worried we didn't have what we needed, but I can't recall a time we went without anything. We were both in sports and well clothed, had meals on the table every night, and wanted for nothing.
Looking back, and having kids of my own, she's the one who went without. My dad was never around, he was too busy with alcohol and chasing other women. Yet she stayed married to him until I was 18. The lesson taken from that was sacrifice. In my own life, I have sacrificed not only monetary items, but personal happiness for that of others as did she.
P
I filed for divorce from Mr. Wonderful 4 times, yet never followed through. Why? Personal sacrifice. I couldn't risk the kids being raised the way he was and without a strong influence from me. Was it with it? Absolutely! Given the chance to do it again, I wouldn't change a thing! Over time we managed to tolerate and eventually come to share life on a deeper level. All of which have made me the person I am today.
A person who knows what she wants in life and exactly what she doesn't. A person who can recognize and appreciate the good qualities in others. A person who is ready to live life and take in every moment it has to offer. Because without those not so good experiences, the greater things in life can easily be passed by.
I have opened the next chapter of my life and so far the preview is out of this world! This chapter begins with someone I've known for 24 years and turned down twice in my youth. Coincidence? I think not...I didn't have the life experience to truly appreciate what was right in front of me. It is very curious that our paths crossed again after so many years and that circumstances in both our lives allow for us to be part of the other's life.
I don't know for sure what the future holds other than hope and that alone makes me a very happy girl. I am at peace in my soul and that is a wonderful feeling!
I never dreamed the events of the past month or more would ever come about, let alone as soon as they did, but I must say I am very happy that they did!
Some religions believe that there are no coincidences in life and everything happens for a reason. I am very much starting to believe that, although parts of it are still difficult to comprehend.
For example, my mom passing...I still struggle with the fact she is not a phone call away, but now see value in the lessons she taught me, specifically strength in the face of adversity. She suffered in different ways throughout her life, but she managed to raise my brother and I with little means and instill morals and values in our lives and she practically raised my brother from another mother.
She worried we didn't have what we needed, but I can't recall a time we went without anything. We were both in sports and well clothed, had meals on the table every night, and wanted for nothing.
Looking back, and having kids of my own, she's the one who went without. My dad was never around, he was too busy with alcohol and chasing other women. Yet she stayed married to him until I was 18. The lesson taken from that was sacrifice. In my own life, I have sacrificed not only monetary items, but personal happiness for that of others as did she.
P
I filed for divorce from Mr. Wonderful 4 times, yet never followed through. Why? Personal sacrifice. I couldn't risk the kids being raised the way he was and without a strong influence from me. Was it with it? Absolutely! Given the chance to do it again, I wouldn't change a thing! Over time we managed to tolerate and eventually come to share life on a deeper level. All of which have made me the person I am today.
A person who knows what she wants in life and exactly what she doesn't. A person who can recognize and appreciate the good qualities in others. A person who is ready to live life and take in every moment it has to offer. Because without those not so good experiences, the greater things in life can easily be passed by.
I have opened the next chapter of my life and so far the preview is out of this world! This chapter begins with someone I've known for 24 years and turned down twice in my youth. Coincidence? I think not...I didn't have the life experience to truly appreciate what was right in front of me. It is very curious that our paths crossed again after so many years and that circumstances in both our lives allow for us to be part of the other's life.
I don't know for sure what the future holds other than hope and that alone makes me a very happy girl. I am at peace in my soul and that is a wonderful feeling!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
It's funny how...
It's the little things in life
That mean the most.
Not where you live
What you drive
Or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on peace of mind
This I've come to know..
~Zac Brown
Chicken Fried
This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. This is how I was raised and nothing like how I currently live my life. Over the years with Mr. Wonderful, I turned into someone I wasn't and became part of a materialistic way of living.
Since his passing, I am starting to rediscover that small town girl who grew up appreciating the meaningful things in life; family, friends, unconditional love. For years, I put aside my own desires to stay near my family and closest friends to maintain peace within my own house hold.
I am now beginning to realize how much I really do miss living a simple life in a small town.
As I look around my house, it is filled with "stuff". Meaningless "stuff". This "stuff" is crammed into every bit of closet and attic space available for storage. I could easily get rid of 90% of it and not think twice about doing so. I am ready to simplify my life and get back to my roots, my family, and small town living. To do so means to uproot my children and self and start over 2000 miles away. I feel with every bit of my heart this is the right thing to do for all of us. My kids have practically grown up not knowing my side of the family. Although not materialistic and "rich", as the kids call Mr. Wonderful's family, they have so much to offer.
My oldest daughter once told me that she wanted to move in with her Meme Hall and go to OU like I did. When I asked her why she wanted to do that, she replied, "Meme's house is homey. It has everything you need and not a lot of stuff you don't. It is simple, Mom." We have done sold the house I grew up in, but I have 7 aunts who have houses very much like Mom's, filled with love, hard work, and meaningful things.
The road to happiness and the little things in life will not be an easy one, but one I am whole heartedly willing to travel. This is a new chapter in the life of the newly rediscovered me. I'm not sure where it leads, but I know it is the right road to be on. And I also know I will not travel it alone, I have two angels traveling with me and the kids.
That mean the most.
Not where you live
What you drive
Or the price tag on your clothes
There's no dollar sign on peace of mind
This I've come to know..
~Zac Brown
Chicken Fried
This is one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs. This is how I was raised and nothing like how I currently live my life. Over the years with Mr. Wonderful, I turned into someone I wasn't and became part of a materialistic way of living.
Since his passing, I am starting to rediscover that small town girl who grew up appreciating the meaningful things in life; family, friends, unconditional love. For years, I put aside my own desires to stay near my family and closest friends to maintain peace within my own house hold.
I am now beginning to realize how much I really do miss living a simple life in a small town.
As I look around my house, it is filled with "stuff". Meaningless "stuff". This "stuff" is crammed into every bit of closet and attic space available for storage. I could easily get rid of 90% of it and not think twice about doing so. I am ready to simplify my life and get back to my roots, my family, and small town living. To do so means to uproot my children and self and start over 2000 miles away. I feel with every bit of my heart this is the right thing to do for all of us. My kids have practically grown up not knowing my side of the family. Although not materialistic and "rich", as the kids call Mr. Wonderful's family, they have so much to offer.
My oldest daughter once told me that she wanted to move in with her Meme Hall and go to OU like I did. When I asked her why she wanted to do that, she replied, "Meme's house is homey. It has everything you need and not a lot of stuff you don't. It is simple, Mom." We have done sold the house I grew up in, but I have 7 aunts who have houses very much like Mom's, filled with love, hard work, and meaningful things.
The road to happiness and the little things in life will not be an easy one, but one I am whole heartedly willing to travel. This is a new chapter in the life of the newly rediscovered me. I'm not sure where it leads, but I know it is the right road to be on. And I also know I will not travel it alone, I have two angels traveling with me and the kids.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Ummmm....
OK...
It has been a very long time since I've been on here to post. So long, in fact, that I'm not sure what is going on and I can't seem to find the rest of my blogs. I'm still able to post, but have no clue where my previous ramblings have went. Oh well...Given the time of night, make that day, I will put that on my ever growing "To Do List" and get back to the real reason I logged on... If I could only remember. Just kidding!
Life has definitely thrown me a few curve balls over the past two years, give or take a couple months. First, there was Mr. Wonderful's cancer diagnosis, Then it was the unexpected passing of my mother. 13 months later, I sat with Mr. Wonderful as he took his last breath and left this world, a topic which I will revisit at a later time. And a couple days ago, my grandma left us to join grandpa and those who have passed before her.
In the wake of all this tragedy, I am amazed that something positive has overshadowed the grief and depression that sit at the surface just waiting to show it's ugly self (and believe me, it does surface on occasion). This "something" was quite unexpected, but has made a huge impact on my life in so many ways. Whatever the reason, where ever this path leads, I am truly grateful the opportunity presented itself. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I have to believe that those who have left this world are watching over me and the kids.
It has been a very long time since I've been on here to post. So long, in fact, that I'm not sure what is going on and I can't seem to find the rest of my blogs. I'm still able to post, but have no clue where my previous ramblings have went. Oh well...Given the time of night, make that day, I will put that on my ever growing "To Do List" and get back to the real reason I logged on... If I could only remember. Just kidding!
Life has definitely thrown me a few curve balls over the past two years, give or take a couple months. First, there was Mr. Wonderful's cancer diagnosis, Then it was the unexpected passing of my mother. 13 months later, I sat with Mr. Wonderful as he took his last breath and left this world, a topic which I will revisit at a later time. And a couple days ago, my grandma left us to join grandpa and those who have passed before her.
In the wake of all this tragedy, I am amazed that something positive has overshadowed the grief and depression that sit at the surface just waiting to show it's ugly self (and believe me, it does surface on occasion). This "something" was quite unexpected, but has made a huge impact on my life in so many ways. Whatever the reason, where ever this path leads, I am truly grateful the opportunity presented itself. As odd as this sounds coming from me, I have to believe that those who have left this world are watching over me and the kids.
Friday, November 18, 2011
On the Edge...
Not quite sure why life is what it is and why people have to suffer as they do, but it is not my job to question God's will. I'm not quite sure what my job is through all of this, but the rock is about to crack. I am beyond exhausted, beyond stressed, and wondering how in the world things got to this point. I will get through this, no matter how difficult, and will be better and stronger for having been through all that has transpired since May 2010.
It will be a year on Monday since my mom unexpectedly left this world, and I miss her dearly. I ask her daily to give me the strength to get through another day in the battle against terminal cancer. The suffering I have witnessed is beyond what any human being should ever suffer.
Mom, if you are listening and I know you are because I have felt your comforting touch and drawn my strength from you, please intercede and ease Rob's suffering so he can rest tonight. He has been through so much the past three days, as have I. Please give me the strength I need to get through the next few days, weeks, months that are left with Rob. I know his time here is limited and he will be joining you and his dad soon, please help me be the rock my kids need.
It will be a year on Monday since my mom unexpectedly left this world, and I miss her dearly. I ask her daily to give me the strength to get through another day in the battle against terminal cancer. The suffering I have witnessed is beyond what any human being should ever suffer.
Mom, if you are listening and I know you are because I have felt your comforting touch and drawn my strength from you, please intercede and ease Rob's suffering so he can rest tonight. He has been through so much the past three days, as have I. Please give me the strength I need to get through the next few days, weeks, months that are left with Rob. I know his time here is limited and he will be joining you and his dad soon, please help me be the rock my kids need.
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